skip to main |
skip to sidebar
things ... coffee - i think coffee has to be one of them since i have it every day ... and when i don't then im not fully awake until past noon .. and even at that time i would like some coffee... i drink 24 oz ... and i think that the coffee and cigarette combination always sounds sooo .... i can't think of the word i want to use... its kinda like nostaligic or romantic or makes you feel like you should be a writter...... and i like it even more if you are at an outdoor cafe .....notebooks - i realize that this is a strange thing to list as part of my top 5 ... but it goes along with the coffee and writing and this feeling of nostalgia (is that how you say that?) and i love the way it looks when you fill it with whatever you fill it with... and i love handwritting because with computers you don't see it much anymore.... and i love the personalization of this little object that contains my thoughts and feelings that i can carry around in my pocket... i especially love when people color on them or cut pages from news papers or magazines and tape them in there and write about them......... i love the tactile-ness of a mind&heart on pages.Shoes - because i am a girl.Christmas Lights - i love because they have that warm warm glowyness that just makes you happy.... i have them up in my office now .. i won't take them down because they feel good... I always like to imagaine myself laying in a soft room at night (with this VERY special person i miss deeply) and the room is lit completely with christmas lights... of course it is also snowing outside but it doesn't matter because it is soft and warm and quiet in this room.... and we watch it snow in the dark and listen to mum.Computer/Internet - for obvious reasons :]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CepocUIpBBA
i just sneezed on my keyboard....i should probably go and get my awesome keyboard disinfectant swabs that i purchased for my work computer specifically to remove an old and crusty cheeto out from under my insert key (which by the way did NOT work).... but that is a whole different post i think....so.. i actually made some notes about what i wanted to write about but now that feels really lame and so i'm not going to look at it and see if i can just write something.
actually i am having a huge HUGE concentration problem tonight, so this post might take me a freaking long ass time...
so you know how in life sometimes you feel totally light and like nothing is going wrong and everything is cool, and then other times its like what the efffffing hell??!!??!?!?!?! Why is everything messing up at the same time?????? well actually, is it really that everything is messing up at the same time, or does it just seems like that because when you are feeling so frusteratedly crappy, you just "FEEL" like everything is messed up?? well whatever.... so im in that rotation of efffffffffffff ..... but i mean i feel like im rotating past the center of effffffffff (aka Mooooooooothaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa efffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @#$^$%&$&*&%(*^%@$##^%&%&@#$% !) and moving towards the outter rings and toward .... ummm... humm.. would effffffffff be like a season if this is a roational thing?? if so .. i guess the outer ring past Effffffffff is spring?? soooo basically im kinda in that weird weather seasonal time between melting snow and leaves sprouting on trees... you know when like..... sometimes flowers start growing and all the sudden you're snowed into your house and can't get to work on time?? yah....... its like that...
shit i just forgot that i have an appointment after work tomorrow....
i just almost deleted that because i wondered if it would have been better to write "shit i just remembered that i have an appointment after work tomorrow" instead of "i just forgot" . Then i thought that it would not really matter at all if i changed it or not. So ... I kept it.
I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a "snowed in" type of day, and it is making me really really nervous... i wonder if it is true that your mood attracts things or unattracts other things.... and i wonder if you really really have to believe it... like if i know that tomorrow is gonna be a shitty ass day and i really really try hard to pretend that it isn't true.... will that work?? or does this only work if you actually believe that you can by force of .. what would you call that... laws of attraction?? Would this only work if you whole heartedly believed in the law of attraction?? i dont know what i believe in .. but i really really really want to believe in the laws of attraction :]
and it really bothers me that i only wrote really three times.. this is a freaking weird thing about me .. but i feel like one of those "really"s doesn't have a match because of the fact i only wrote three.. and it makes me sad for that left out really...
so
................. really ......................
i am a freak
xo
i feel like shit... i feel like shit......i feel like shit...i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit...i feel like shit...i feel like shit...i feel like shit...i feel like shit...i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit .. i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit ... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit... i feel like shit.........
ps. i am also hungover .
sooooo i thought i would write again tonight but instead i cried and watched LOST and then fell asleep. I actually just woke up from a strangly funny dream or i probably would not be writting this at all.... Also i have already forgot what it was about....And Also i started writting this before i fell asleep and actually fell asleep with this window open, which is why the timestamp reads wrong....
see you later.
Yesterday I thought of at least 38.9763 different things I wanted to say... I wanted to wait until I got home to type them because it's to hard to concentrate at work on writing something that is coherent enough to be readable (is readable a word?? and is that just repative in this sentence). I tried so hard all day to hold on too those thoughts ....... and then when I got home.... I fell asleep and none of them got written... and then they were kinda lost in my head somewhere...
By the way, I just deleted the last couple of sentences I wrote after telling myself I wouldn't. In the end it had to be done because of two reasons. One being i hated those sentences, and two being I hated them so much it was distracting me from writing anything more.
So now that that is out of the way .....
I am trying to remember at least parts of my thoughts from yesterday and what I've come up with is as follows:
- I need to take a photograph of a sea-saw
I needed this picture because I was feeling like i was on one. I was going to write about how I have crazy/intense mood swings but right at this moment I think I'm riding with someone of equal weight. And so I don't really have a lot to say about this at the moment. We can see if that is still true at the end of this post. Also I think I do not really want a photograph of an actual sea-saw (this spelling is right??) because that is just way to literal and unclever (spell check doesn't know this word sorry), so I will give you this photo instead... I took it this morning on the way into work and a lady almost ran over me because she didn't see me crouched down photographing oil spots in the parking lot ...
- Brainstorm ballon thingy outlines always help right??
I was thinking of drawling a diagram of my life as is now, to show how I got to my present state of hysteria. Actually I still might do that because it's kinda like a quick history guide and if anyone is reading this blog they are going to be like "WTF MATE". Also I think it could be fun because it will give me a reason to scribble and I like that.
- I Turned into one of Those People ...
So............ it is February 11th, well 10th because I was thinking this yesterday, which means nothing... except that it is almost the 14th. I never used to be one of those "haters". I mean I never was really really into this day before, but I always thought it was nice.... now I'm counting down the days nervously like I will be exploding at three quarters past sometime on this day. I can't wait for this mood swing it should be fairly dramatic if im antisipating correctly.
- Invitationsssssssssss??!!??!?!?!?!!??!?!??
I was thinking of "inviting" more people to read this... but as I am at work right now and instead of doing what I am supposed to be doing.... I am typing this mess. So this poses a kinda problem because now I should probably be selective. Part of me wants post this up and go "Hey Look Inside My Crazy Head Everyone!!" and then the other part is going ... "You are El Stupido, because if you do that then you will have to force yourself to be less honest because you are afraid to discomfort anyone and that is part "the reasons" (i will elaborate later ) And because you will get fired! Repeatedly!" and given my current employment situation ... it would be pretty pathetic to be fired.
Okay so for now I have to go because the work is piling up ...
-END OF PART ONE-
I am not writing because I want to be a writer. Honestly, grammatically, and also spelling wise (i wonder if this has spell check), I could probably be considered illiterate. I mean I know that sentences being with capitals and end with a period, and I know that when they are long you should probably throw in a couple on commas somewhere, and I use "..." way more than anyone should... But it's not why i started typing this...
I started to type this because .. I don't know why I started typing this. I was introduced to this by a couple of people who either have their own blogs or follow other people's. I think I started typing this because it's easier for me (I'm sure it is for many people) to type a thought than it is to speak it. Because I am thinking to myself as I type this and hoping it will lead to some clear "epiphany" as to why I am not a happy person.
So really this all could be meaningless and a waist of time. But I promise it will be honest. Hopefully it will be funny sometimes, serious occasionally, sad only slightly, and curious always. If you read you will know me, I'm not outstanding, just a little strange... and it's very obvious that I'm missing/searching/needing something... I have no idea what... maybe typing it will help me realize what that is?? if not, at least it is easier than carrying around 47 notebooks in my purse...
